10 Attractive Male Authors Who I Think Would Probably Not Have Sex With Me, And Why

Today I read Bookgasm’s list of 10 Female Authors One of Their Contributors Would Be Willing To Have Sex With. Obviously I thought it was a brilliant idea for a column. But as I set about stealing it, I realized something uncomfortable: I’m pretty sure none of the attractive male authors I was looking at would be willing to have sex with me. Bummer, right?

So instead I’ve collected a list of 10 physically attractive male authors who I am pretty sure would not have sex with me, and why:

Bret Easton Ellis would not have sex with me because I order Prosecco at, like, every meal.

Michael Chabon would not have sex with me because I keep writing “lay” when I should be writing “lie.”

Gary Shteyngart would not have sex with me because I root for Cobra Kai. 

Vladimir Nabokov would not have sex with me because he is dead.

Colum McCann would not have sex with me because he wouldn’t be able to watch the Daily Show because I would keep repeating the funny things Jon Stewart says.  

David Means would not have sex with me because I keep telling people he’s from Williamsburg.

Jonathan Franzen would not have sex with me because I call jean shorts “jorts.”  

Jonathan Safran Foer would not have sex with me because I haven’t cleaned under the couch cushions in like three months.

Junot Díaz would not have sex with me because I would tell him all the Game of Thrones spoilers.

Nathan Englander would not have sex with me because I still tell hanging chad jokes. 


(Photos via Wikimedia)