Wednesday, August 2, 2006

My First Craigslist Ad

Ten Suns is looking for another tutoring job, so he posted on craigslist. I thought his ad was too boring for craigslist, so I wrote one of my own.

Tutor available: Please get my husband out of the house

I am looking for young academics willing to do me a huge favor and be tutored by my husband. He is an Ivy League graduate and a Ph.D. student at Columbia, and all summer he has been driving me crazy.

Do you know the molecular composition of a carbohydrate? I do! He explained it to me last night. I had only asked if he wanted white rice or brown with dinner, and much later I knew all about the difference between complex and simple carbohydrates and how the human body metabolizes them. Is anyone out there taking Biology who needs help with this stuff? He understands it all and is eager to explain.

My husband is a highly sought-after tutor with excellent teaching skills. He has taught college classes at Dartmouth and Stanford, as well as high school students in and around the New York area.

This morning he ranted at me for 20 minutes that Capt. Kirk would not score well on the SATs because of his tendency to split infinitives. (“To boldly go…”) If you want to ace the SAT and pass your English class, please let him explain the rules of English grammar to you so I can watch my Star Trek reruns in peace.

In all seriousness, he is a very good teacher. Heck, his help with essay writing and test prep got me accepted to Harvard, Stanford, and Columbia for graduate school. If he can do it for me, I’d bet that he could do the same for you. If you want help studying for the SAT I or II, or the ACT, TOEFL or Regents Exams, he is the best tutor you could possibly have.

He also is available to help with applications and essays. Also, I’m not kidding but he can teach you Minoan Linear B. If your kid is a crazy intellectual who wants to learn weird stuff like that, please give me a call and I will lend you my own crazy intellectual to lead you or your child down the path of intellectual exploration.

My husband is qualified to teach English, History, Biology, Latin, Japanese, and Chinese. He is getting his Ph.D. in Chinese History at Columbia. That’s right, he can actually teach you “ancient Chinese secrets.” Craigslist, take him away!

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