Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Beware of geeks bearing gifts

I just returned from Gen Con in Indianapolis this weekend. We spent all Friday in the True Fantasy Tavern where we drank lots of beer and got challenged to bar brawls by large men dressed like orcs. I showed up dressed like an elf, and one of them gave me all the tokens he'd won in the dungeon.

When we went to leave the man stamping arms stamped me like four or five times, then said: "You don't really need a stamp. I just wanted to touch you."

At the White Wolf party Saturday I moved into a cage at an industrial club in downtown Indy and stayed there all night. I've heard dance cages decried for being misogynistic because they cater to the male fantasy of keeping women as pets. All I have to say is that those people have never been on a dance floor full of guys with ponytails and glow-in-the-dark contact lenses. The cage is my panic room.

An awesome friend of mine gave me a belly-dancing lesson in the big cage. There were four such cages and they were quite large. One contained a girl in duct tape gyrating upside-down with a glo-stick stuffed in ... no man's land. The other contained two very large women groping eachother and wetly tongue-kissing.

Is all this hip, or lame? I can't tell anymore.

Dogs don't know it's not bacon

Without comment, I present a list of things my mother-in-law's dog ate out of my room this weekend:

1 cap to a travel-sized bottle of hand lotion
1 prosthetic elf ear (the left one)
1 strap from Ten Suns' Birkenstock
3 dice
1 dirty Kleenex-brand tissue
5 press-on fingernails

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

My First Craigslist Ad

Ten Suns is looking for another tutoring job, so he posted on craigslist. I thought his ad was too boring for craigslist, so I wrote one of my own.

Tutor available: Please get my husband out of the house

I am looking for young academics willing to do me a huge favor and be tutored by my husband. He is an Ivy League graduate and a Ph.D. student at Columbia, and all summer he has been driving me crazy.

Do you know the molecular composition of a carbohydrate? I do! He explained it to me last night. I had only asked if he wanted white rice or brown with dinner, and much later I knew all about the difference between complex and simple carbohydrates and how the human body metabolizes them. Is anyone out there taking Biology who needs help with this stuff? He understands it all and is eager to explain.

My husband is a highly sought-after tutor with excellent teaching skills. He has taught college classes at Dartmouth and Stanford, as well as high school students in and around the New York area.

This morning he ranted at me for 20 minutes that Capt. Kirk would not score well on the SATs because of his tendency to split infinitives. (“To boldly go…”) If you want to ace the SAT and pass your English class, please let him explain the rules of English grammar to you so I can watch my Star Trek reruns in peace.

In all seriousness, he is a very good teacher. Heck, his help with essay writing and test prep got me accepted to Harvard, Stanford, and Columbia for graduate school. If he can do it for me, I’d bet that he could do the same for you. If you want help studying for the SAT I or II, or the ACT, TOEFL or Regents Exams, he is the best tutor you could possibly have.

He also is available to help with applications and essays. Also, I’m not kidding but he can teach you Minoan Linear B. If your kid is a crazy intellectual who wants to learn weird stuff like that, please give me a call and I will lend you my own crazy intellectual to lead you or your child down the path of intellectual exploration.

My husband is qualified to teach English, History, Biology, Latin, Japanese, and Chinese. He is getting his Ph.D. in Chinese History at Columbia. That’s right, he can actually teach you “ancient Chinese secrets.” Craigslist, take him away!